I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
You pole danced in your parka.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
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