So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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