if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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