How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Drunk is a universal language darling
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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