I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
