Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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