My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize