if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just want to make out with him forever
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
