Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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