I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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