Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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