Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
