Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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