I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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