I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
