I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?