Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
