Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
