Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
