we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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