We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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