the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
