Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
