I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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