My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
