do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
