i just google imaged poop.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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