we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
