what day is it and did you see me today?
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
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