Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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