you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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