I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
