those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
