I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
