She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
