i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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