i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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