i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
