My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
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