Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
did i just pee glitter
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