I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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