The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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