Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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