I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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