I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.