she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
