My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
