I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
