Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
