I think my vagina is haunted
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
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