omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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