god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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