Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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