Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Houston, we have a blender
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
