Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
