I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
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