Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
